Inspirational Quote: “Your healing is reflective of what you’re willing to reveal. You can’t heal what you hide. Expose the pain and get ready to embrace a new me!”- Dr. Estrelita Bruce
Opening thoughts from the LoveKings:
This quote is so DYNAMIC! We share this quote in advance because it is symbolic of the spirit behind why this post was written and behind the whole of lovekings.net. Our sole purpose is to deliver stories. Stories of those who are looking to bare their soul in a way that provides healing to themselves and others. Our sincerest hope is that our followers find nuggets of wisdom in these stories that they’re able to apply to their own relationships. We wrote today’s story from an interview that we conducted with a woman who is on the path to healing. She aspires to eventually share her name, but for now, just sharing her story was a huge step forward. We pray that today’s post touches your soul. Love, The Kings
Her Story: I describe myself as a free spirit, but honestly, I guess I’m really not. Parts of my soul, and in truth my adult life, are still bound by the chains of things in my childhood. Be patient, you’ll soon understand what I mean as I take you back in time a bit.
Clearly I didn’t know my future husband as a child, but at age 9 our relationship would be impacted before we ever even met. Sound strange? Not really. My story is more common than you might imagine, in fact, it might even uncover some things for you and your husband/partner. I was only nine when it began. The inappropriate touching of my barely there breasts. Hands in my panties. Ignoring the sounds of my small, but determined voice saying “No, it hurts. Please don’t do this to me.” My innocent tears, the pain of his fingers violating my most tender spaces, the crying and it all coming from the hands of someone who wears the title of “Family”. I felt like I had no power. The silencing of my voice “You better not say anything”. It hurt then and it hurts now. Going back to the pain of that particular part of my childhood is always difficult, but telling my story is necessary. I didn’t realize how necessary until 25 years later.
In 2004, I’d just relocated from D.C. to California. I was in a whirlwind romance with a man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. He was all the things I thought I wanted: smart, handsome, charismatic. I was so smitten with him and so in love with the concept of being in love that I overlooked so many things that were so obvious. As a matter of fact, one really huge thing: he was married. He kept saying he was separated, but he really wasn’t. And even if he was, I now understand that separated is not enough; he should’ve still been off limits because he wasn’t divorced. Once I understood what was happening, I told him I couldn’t do this until it was over. He pushed forward, moved out and got a divorce. Soon the calls began from a woman that he’d left in pain. To her I’m sorry. If only I knew then what I know now…
We would eventually get married, but before we could even make it to the altar, I began to see him in a different light. I was catching him in lies left and right. I went through our cell bill and he was a texting other women in volume; he and a female co-worker were texting each other at least 50 times a day and let’s just say it wasn’t “work related”. Here we go. Common sense should’ve told me what I was in for, but it didn’t.
After we got married, we had many very happy days. He was a cool person. We laughed, stayed up late watching movies, talking about any and everything! You know- the honeymoon phase! It was great. I loved him and I truly believed he loved me. But soon, between giving birth to the kids, working and life, we found ourselves hitting another rough patch. I’m not perfect so I’m sure he was justified in some of the things that he didn’t like about me and I was surely justified in not liking the things that I was seeing in him. He was at it again, but this time he was way more bold. In fact, he wouldn’t even come home some nights. I remember he pulled the ultimate one New Year’s Eve; he didn’t come home for a full 24 hours. The hell??? I was in the kitchen cooking when he walked in. It took everything in my heart and soul to restrain myself. I remembered the kids and decided not to put my hands on him. And can you believe he actually tried to get some of my black eyed peas- NOT! I packed my peas and hit the door to head to a friend’s house. I can laugh now, but those were depressing times.
Our marriage was in trouble. We found ourselves in counseling and here’s where it all began to come together. We had an amazing counselor who forced us to unpack our behaviors and the pain. Here’s where it hurts, but it was also one of the biggest moments of clarity in my entire life. As we sat and talked about one of the major pain points of our marriage, it was intimacy. There’s such an art to love making. Men need the physical, but for women, sex is emotional and mental. It was here that I realized that we’d never really understood how the past lives on into the future if never revealed. Oh my God. I could now see the parallels. Now, let me be 100% clear- my husband NEVER forced himself on me ever, but there was an emotional trigger that he was pulling every time he touched me and he didn’t even realize it, nor did I. I could never fully explain why I felt the way that I did until that moment. This moment was transformative. Let me paint the picture of the parallels for you.
My husband’s infidelity was pretty constant, but until it all really became too obvious to ignore, we were business as usual. He would do really sweet things for me here and there and he was a great dad and that kept us connected and moving the marriage along. But at night, I couldn’t ignore how much I distrusted him and the lies. When I knew he’d been out doing dirt, and then he’d still come home and expect to make love to me, I would feel violated all over again. The same way the man who’d molested me as a child took away my power by hurting me and calling himself family, that’s the same thing that I saw my husband doing. He would cheat and then come home and make me feel less than a woman for not wanting to sleep with him. Those emotions and triggers run deep. I tried to keep silent the same way that I’d been expected to do as a child and not tell my family what was happening in my marriage; it was the silencing all over again by him asking me to stop telling our business.
His actions outside of our home were wrong, which made his touch feel so wrong. I hope there are men and women reading this who walk away with their own truths uncovered. I hope you have very transparent conversations. In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to uncover what has happened in your past. Whether we like it or not, our past becomes a third party in our relationship if not shared and properly addressed. In all fairness, he wasn’t properly equipped to manage my inner issues, but those issues would’ve never been a part of our intimacy had he not been cheating. Likewise, there are men out there who’ve had similar experiences with molestation as children and it manifests itself in different ways. My message today is rooted in the words of Dr. Bruce’s opening quote: “Your healing is reflective of what you’re willing to reveal. You can’t heal what you hide. Expose the pain…”
I promise you. One day, I will reveal my name, but for now anonymity allowed me to share the most personal of details.