You’re back- and that’s a good sign. I hope that means you enjoyed part 1 and you’re ready to go in a lot harder on part two. I’m warning you up front that you’ve got to be a grown woman for this one. If not, stop reading now. I’m just sayin.
How to Be a Woman 101: “Hope for the best, but expect the worst.” That has to single handedly be one of the worst pieces of advice ever. I don’t know how or why, but oftentimes women adopt this philosophy without ever even realizing it. It’s like you guys go through a training of some sort. Is this human nature? Or, is it woman nature? Before you get offended, just hear me out. Women are 100 times better at communicating than we are as men (probably 200 times better), but only when you ACTUALLY do so. You guys can communicate with perfection when it comes to anything else EXCEPT when you THINK we’ve done something wrong. The problem is this: women love to assume. Y’all don’t ask questions for the purpose of clarity when you’re upset. You ask questions like a trial lawyer because you typically assume that you already know the answer. When you’re in prosecutorial mode, you don’t really hear anything that we’re saying. If you’re hot with me right now, that’s cool. That just means it’s working. Relax. I’ll be the first to admit that we give you a million reasons to doubt us. Even the most straight-laced upstanding dudes try to get away with stuff sometimes, so please understand that I’m not saying you don’t have good reason. But the deal is this; there’s no need to doubt the man in your life 90% of the damn time! If you need to, then why the hell are you with him? And when we turn around and say: “Then why the hell are you with me?”, then you’re offended by that too. So listen, like I said, just chill.
I realize that your gut is your superhero. Between your gut and your intuition, everyone of y’all asses should’ve won the lottery by now. You know it’s true! All I’m saying is this: stop assuming because sometimes you can be, and I’m sure actually have been, wrong. Men are like children, we can either live up to, or down to, your expectations. Key words “your expectations”. Believe it or not, we really don’t want to live our lives being a colossal disappointment to you. We need you to see the good in us. That means something.
Just “ask me.” If you want to know something please just “ask me” in a sincere manner that tells me that you’re open and not indicting me before I even speak. I thought I was going to have to write it on the walls when we first got married. This woman assumed everything. I swear I spent something like the first 5 years of our relationship trying to teach my wife this simple rule. She was ruthless; she could’ve worked for the CIA and the FBI because she always came with what she thought was an airtight case. That’s the old her (Side note: That’s why I chose a throwback picture for this post.)
P.S. I didn’t assume any of this.
Action: Time to catch him off guard and make his day, but this requires a little bit of thinking first. Make a short list of the three times throughout your relationship where you’ve assumed something and have been wrong. Or, just three times that you’ve flat out been wrong whether it involved assumptions or not. Once you’ve gotten your examples together, grab your cell phone and make a short 60 second or less video confessing a few times where you’ve been wrong with a sincere apology. Text the video along with a message that says “I love you. I’m letting go of my need to always be right and instead I’m embracing my need to be better.”
Resource: Soft is the New Power: Embracing Your Feminine Edge to Win in Love & Life by Deya “Direct” Smith Available here
Disclaimer: This is not clinical advice or a directive to do anything. We are not licensed counselors or therapists. Please seek professional guidance and mental and/or medical help where needed.
13 thoughts on “Pt. 2: How to Get Exactly What You Want From the Man in Your Life (Ask Me)”
“…we really don’t want to live our lives being a colossal disappointment to you. We need you to see the good in us.” What an eye-opening, heart-grabbing truth!
Frustrations and assumptions make it easy to forget that there’s still so much good in the one you love. My husband has asked in the past that I create a mental advocate for him in my mind. This way every time I have a negative thought or suspicion I can go to that place in my mind that is strictly “for” him not “against” him. It truly helps cut down on unnecessary tension an opens the door to conversation instead of arguments.
Thank you both for your continued love lessons!
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That’s really incredible! You guys are in an amazing space! That takes a lot of communication and disipline. Vulnerability and respect! Wow!
“Mental advocate”- that’s so dope Khieda!! ❤️
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Love this lesson
I use to be guilty of assuming instead of asking.
I get it!!! Been there and done that!!! It’s all about growth! Thanks for commenting!!!
Thanks Latonya- be sure to catch part 3! Stay on the journey for the entire series.
I think this behavior has a lot to do with us hearing that men are “no good” or witnessing it in various relationships. The problem with that is if we classify all men that way, we are automatically creating disappointment for ourselves.
We’ve got to learn the difference between intuition and pre-existing negative thoughts of an entire sex. LoL! I’ve come across some really good men, and I’m thankful that I didn’t just throw them away.
Thanks Mr. King! Real talk…that requires constant self & relationship work😍
Ohhhhhh! Who you been talking to Lyman?! I’ve been told MANY times quit assuming & just ask! Lol
This is really good to get a man’s perspective!
Crystal girl we can open up our own detective agency! I too am the FBI & CIA 😆
Love it! Bring on part 3!